If you’ve been in the writing sphere, you’ve heard these three words thousands of times—Show, don’t tell. However, you might not realize just how complex this little phrase can be.
If you haven’t heard the phrase before, showing in the writing world means involving the reader’s senses. Let them see, experience, and feel what happened. That’s what separates exposition (aka: when you tell what is happening to ‘set the story’) from crafting a scene.
Now, let’s apply this idea of “Show, don’t tell” to your memoir. Say you’re writing about a pivotal moment, and when you recall it, you can easily relay exactly what happened. Such as:
It was 9:00 pm on a Wednesday night. My car had just been freshly painted green. I was also wearing a sweater. The door had been locked when I left. But, when I got home after grocery shopping, I came home to find the door wide open.
This would be the writer telling the reader what happened exactly as the writer recalls it. There is room for telling within a memoir, but more often than not, the writer needs to do more.
Instead, try involving the readers' senses, and bring them along with you as the story unfolds—as if it's happening right now:
The car clock lit red: 9:30 PM. With two grocery bags crinkling in my hands, I began my way up the stairs to the front entrance.
A chill ran down my spine when I looked at the door.
I could’ve sworn it had been locked when I left. So why was it open?
A memoirist needs to learn how to balance retelling with showing and with meaningful discussion of why the moments they’re sharing actually matter and why they’re important to the story and to the reader. To do this on the page, you must ask yourself, “Have I done the work of thinking about these events on a deeper level? Can I put into words and explain why what happened was important to me? Then, can I write it in a way that a reader feels as though they’re a part of the moment?
If you haven’t thought to ask yourself these questions–that’s okay. Most first-time memoirists wouldn’t know to ask themselves these things. And most first-time memoirists are more comfortable staying on the surface level of their story, which makes sense. Let’s talk about why this is and how to move beyond it.
1. You Haven’t Narrowed Down the Message
Oftentimes, first-time memoir writers feel the urge to narrate everything that has ever happened in their lives. For example, maybe you had a pet death that affected you when you were young, and lost a parent when you were older, and also got into a car accident as a teen. All of these events can be important to you, but when you begin to narrow the focus of your memoir, these events might not be linked together.
You might not have just one story to tell, but you need to focus on which one you want to tell now.
Find the memories that specifically connect to each other (with a common theme), and then begin writing your scenes surrounding them. Later, if you find how pieces of your earlier or later life can connect to the main story, then you can add those in.
Prior to putting pen to paper, you need to understand why these experiences matter to you. Once you’ve identified a couple of pivotal moments, figure out what they have taught you. Once you find the lesson(s), start brainstorming how that lesson connects to other events.
Consider asking yourself questions such as:
- Why does this particular memory keep coming up for me?
- How do these memories link to one another?
- What lessons or wisdom did I learn from these experiences?
- If I were to compare these experiences, what do they all have in common?
- What element of the human experience do these experiences relate to?
2. You’re not Writing In ‘Scene’
A memoir is a work of creative non-fiction which means it actually follows more of the rules of writing a novel, using elements of scene, character, and plot development to convey a story more like fiction than fact.
In other words, a good memoir is written more through the lens of showing your story through scenes. In this way, the reader is experiencing your life’s moments as if they’re standing in your shoes, looking through your eyes. To do this well, you have to write the most meaningful moments as detailed scenes, which may feel like going through the events all over again
Remember the example from earlier? This technique is called scene writing. You’re writing as if you are watching a movie of the memory take place. Depict what is happening in the moment–the sights, smells, feels, and then the internal thoughts as well. Utilize dialogue and create action.
When writing your memoir, the telling comes back to ground the reader outside of the scenes. Utilize your own voice and commentary to connect scenes together, bridge understanding, and explain why these memories matter.
It’s a balance that needs to be struck. You don’t want to always be in the scene, and you don’t want to be stuck only telling what happened. A memoir needs two voices: the author who has been through the events (the older-wiser narrator, you right now) who can ground the reader in their hindsight and wisdom, and the past you (the experiencing self), who the reader can watch and experience the events of as if they were happening in the moment.
3. You Haven’t Done the Emotional Work Your Memoir Needs
Before you can start writing your memoir with a level of objectivity, you need to have done some emotional work to feel psychologically safe to discuss the pieces of your life you’re going to share.
Memoirs aren’t easy to write because oftentimes, you’re excavating the terrain of old traumas and other emotionally challenging experiences. If you’re not truly ready to reface them in your writing, it often means that first-time memoirists will stick to the facts and tell what happened rather than paint the picture on the page and show the reader what it was like in that moment.
Sometimes, you might not feel ready to return to the moment you want to write your memoir about. In that case, there will always be another time to write your story.
However, if you are ready, but you’re scared of going into those memories alone, then you might need somebody to be by your side throughout the memoir process. If that’s the case, looking into a memoir coach would be beneficial.
Write Your Memoir Right The First Time
Staying on the surface is a common mistake for first-time memoirists. After all, you’ve never written a memoir before. You may have never read one either, and more than likely you’ve never studied the genre. How are you going to know any of this without support?
Maybe you need someone to ask the right questions. Or, someone who is an expert in the craft of writing memoir.
If you’re ready to do some serious work and dive into the work of developing your memoir, Ally Berthiaume is ready to dive with you.
Take a look at The Memoir Studio, a 9-month high-touch program where first-time memoirists can clarify their book, shape their story, and create their manuscript. The best part? It all comes with regular intentional meetings and touchpoints with Ally. Curious? Be sure to visit the webpage and book your Intro Session call to learn more.
Too big a commitment, right now? No problem. Begin instead with a one-time Memoir Compass Calibration, a 60-minute consultation to focus on your memoir’s mission, message, and motivation, guaranteed to get you off on the right track.
Either way, Ally has your back.
This post was written by TWPRT’s Summer 2026 Intern, Cierra Rossi.
At the time of this writing, Cierra Rossi is an incoming fourth-year Professional Writing Major at Champlain College. Cierra grew up in Brookfield, Massachusetts, but she has since moved to Burlington, Vermont, where she is completing her bachelor's degree. When she’s not nose-deep in a book or writing her own prose, she loves theater, board games, and cooking new dishes for the people closest to her. She hopes that after graduating in 2027, she’ll be able to continue in the publishing industry, helping books find their people through marketing or by submitting her own writing.
